In
UK academia, teaching staff are now sent almost daily directives telling us how
to make our students feel at home and Enhance The Student Customer Experience.
Many more management emails list things we may not do or say to them. While I
have always been very pro-student, because so many of them are impoverished,
anxious about their futures,
lonely, and easily exploited, the
beginning of teaching term seems an appropriate time to remind everyone that
pedagogical relationships, like any others, are two-way.
There
are several sure-fire ways of alienating your lecturer. I am not bothered about texting on silent
mobile phones, packed lunches, or anything else which does not disturb me or
fellow students. But in the name of cordial entente I do recommend that students
do NOT do the following (all examples, in ascending order of obnoxiousness,
drawn directly from my personal lecturing experience).
1 Write
emails to her opening ‘Hey, Prof.’, ‘Hey Ms.’ or simply ‘Can you pop along all
the materials for last week’s lecture and tell me the gist? I can’t remember whether I attended it or
not.’
2 Snog
your girlfriend/boyfriend noisily while she is lecturing. The Greeks may be
exciting stuff, but there are limits.
3 When
she has spent several hours reading your thesis draft and annotating it with
constructive criticism and suggestions, belligerently defend every point and demand to know what her academic qualifications are.
4 Fail
to wash and don clean clothes before tutorials in small offices with poor
ventilation.
5 Ask
her the following: ‘I am paying the same fees for this course as Emily
Klopstock von Metterhausen. Why has she got a First for that essay and I have
only got a 2:2?’
6 Say
to her after a lecture on Greek tragedy, ‘It’s really strange: there’s a famous
woman who’s written this great book on Greek tragedy with the same name as you,
Miss.’
7 Tell
her you are the warlock of the coven of witches in Newbury and send her a
mysterious wand inscribed with a spell naming her as Hera and yourself as Ixion.
(The latter sexually harassed the
former).
8 When
she tells your class that she is shaken up because she feels bad about
accidentally killing a badger driving to the station that morning, go onto
Wikipedia immediately after the lecture and insert ‘Notorious Badger Murderer’
into the first paragraph of the entry under her name.
9 Ask
her when you have been introduced to her at the end of term departmental party
if she would do a personal pole dance display for you and your mates in the rugby club.
Note
to any former students who read this and recognise themselves: I am currently
out of the country and not readily available to correspond.